My Unreasonable Month

I've never looked forward to turning a calendar page more than I am now. I'm more than happy to say good-bye to January and hello to February. Of course I will not officially do that until tomorrow because my Grandma instilled in me that it is bad luck to turn the calendar early. I don't believe in bad luck, but I believe in Grandma and honoring her by following her silly Irish superstitions.

So my calendar will remain firmly planted on January for another 7 hours.

At my Thursday morning Women's study we are doing yet another Beth Moore study. This time we are having our minds blown by an in depth study of the book of Esther, Beth's most recent undertaking. This week as we watched the video, my Grandma was leaving earth to meet her Savior. I didn't know that was when it was happening, but it was. Beth was taking us through an in depth study of what it means to have a God-given destiny. One of the "bullet points" was that when God has something in mind for us, we can bet it will be beyond what we are capable of. Her terminology was the "unreasonable expectation". Esther faced an unrealistic expectation when she was urged to approach the King (her husband....go figure) regarding the decree he had just been "tricked" into signing. The one that would annihilate all of the Jews, including her. To enter the King's presence without an invitation was death. Even for his own wife. It was unreasonable to expect this of her. And yet He was expecting it.

While I have not been required to brave certain death in order to prevent a genocide, I have certainly had a month that has been beyond what I would consider reasonable. Mark has been putting in ridiculous hours at work. His dad has been in the hospital with pneumonia. My kids have been sick. My Grandma passed away. I am in the midst of planning another big event with my ladies at church. I had to see the doctor and have a zillion tests done for some issues I've been having. Plus the laundry keeps piling up. And my family keeps getting hungry and they expect me to feed them. Every day I wake up and the beds need to be made all over again, and at least occasionally the bathrooms have needed some attention (although it's been very little attention, truth be told).

God's expectations for me this month have been unreasonable. Plain and simple. It's been too much. Just like it was too much to expect of Esther.

As Beth wrapped up our study on Thursday, she paused on Mordecai's words to Esther as he was urging her to act on behalf of her people. His words are the most famous in the book of Esther:

Esther 4:14b And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?

Beth drew our attention to the words "who knows". With the terrifying situation Esther was facing, we can probably assume that she wanted something more concrete than "Who Knows?" She probably wanted to be assured that someone knew. She probably wanted to be certain that God knew. That God had placed her in royal position for such a time as this. That if she was obedient to Mordecai, God would honor that and protect her. She probably wanted that. I know I would have. I know that I still do.

What Beth said next was huge. When we face an unreasonable expectation, we can assume that God knows. What He really wants is for US to know. He wants us to face a situation so overwhelming to our human-ness that when we make it through it, the only choice we have is to fall on our faces and say "I Know that You are Lord." As I wrap up the month of January, I can honestly say that I KNOW that He is Lord. I KNOW that He is God. This month was simply too much to handle had I been doing it alone. The fact that I am still standing, still healthy, still breathing and still smiling (most of the time) is a testament to HIM. Not to me. Had I been facing this month alone, I would have been curled up in a corner a long time ago. The unreasonable expectation He placed in front of me this month reminded me that He Is God.

Know that the LORD, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Psalm 100:3 (ESV)

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Random....

I was tagged on my facebook to participate in a "25 Random Things" note. I finally got around to it today and I haven't been able to stop thinking in a random pattern ever since. So you are going to be subjected to it.

1. Though I usually am fiercely loyal to the Peppermint Mocha Twist at Starbucks, a mention from my friend Pam on facebook has me desperate to try their Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate. Seriously....just typing it is delicious.

2. My kids are having apples and peanut butter for lunch for the third day in a row. I'm having trouble being very creative. I've had other things on my mind. Like my Grandma. And Salted Caramel Hot Chocolates.

3. I'm feeling 150% better about my Grandma today. Yesterday was exactly what I needed. A good, ugly cry. A Sonic Banana Split (thank you, Mark!), and an early bedtime. It hit the spot. Today I still miss my Grandma, but I'm not sad. I truly believe with every fiber of my being that a) she's happier and healthier right now than she's ever been, b) She still exists, just in a different location, and c) Someday we'll be together again.

4. My weekend plans have drastically changed because of recent events and I'm looking forward to having time to run errands, relax and just be a family.

That about does it for now. I'm going to put my kids down for a nap, work on my Esther homework and eat some lunch. Have a great weekend everyone!

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Good-bye, Grandma

She's gone. I'm truly glad because for me to want her to stay here any longer would have been selfish. She hasn't been herself for awhile now. But she was my favorite. Not just my favorite Grandma. My favorite everything. There was no one else like her. I will miss her so much. I'm much sadder than I expected to be. Yesterday I felt OK. This morning I felt even better than that. Twenty minutes ago when I talked to my Mom and found that Grandma was finally in heaven, I started to cry and I haven't stopped. Not a cry of despair. I'm not in despair. I'm just sad. It will be quite awhile before I see her again. But I'm looking forward to when I do.

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Grandma Kay

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My Grandma

I have the best Grandma. I know everyone feels that way, but I really do. I'm not the only one who thinks so. When I was growing up, all of my girlfriends loved my Grandma, too. Probably because she was the kind of Grandma who would check out the cute boys with us at Baskin Robbins and comment on their "cute butts" (Gina, I know you're laughing at the memory right now). She was never the conventional Grandma who baked cookies and sewed. She was the kind of Grandma who shopped til she dropped and loved a glass of Merlot. She was sassy and silly. She loved to laugh and crack a joke. She retained the Irish accent she acquired while growing up on the Emerald Isle and passed down a love for all things Celtic to me, her "#1 Granddaughter". Not because I was her favorite (don't worry, Rachael), only because I was first. She called me "Kimmie" and was the only person I enjoyed hearing call me that. She was a democrat but only because her husband had been. She couldn't tell you why, only that she thought Bill Clinton was really cute. Once, while my family was visiting her during the 1996 elections, we stuck a "Bob Dole" bumper sticker on her van without telling her. It was hilarious.

I'm rambling on and on. This post doesn't have much of a point. It's just my way of dealing with the fact that as of this morning, my beloved Grandma is in a coma. The doctors said that it's time to gather the family. I will not be able to gather with the family because she lives too far away and I have two small boys. It's OK. She knows how much I love her. The truth is, this is ultimately a good thing. Between her cancer, the chemo, and all of the other random ailments you suffer with as you age, she has not been able to enjoy life the way she would have liked the last few years. When she was first diagnosed with cancer, the doctors only gave her 9 months, so the fact that the Lord has let us keep her for several years is a miracle in itself. It looks like Jesus is finally ready to take my Grandma home. I can't blame Him. She's a lot of fun.

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Deep Breath....

Mark came home from work tonight and the first words he said to me were "My job is fine". He's been married to me long enough to know that I need the bottom line first. If he had given me the actual news first, that 146 people at his company were laid off today, I would have had a minor heart attack in the few seconds it took him to tell me that he was not one of them. For now.

This economic downturn we're facing is hitting closer and closer to home.

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Perspective. Again. and Again. (Will I ever truly get it?)

Oh, perspective. You are a wonderful and yet embarrassing reality.

My life is so good. So good. I have spent numerous posts on this blog prattling on and on about the friends and family I have been blessed with. I have bored you all with the goings on of my bible studies and family gatherings. I have babbled about fun things I've gotten to do and the people who have done them with me.

Yet give me a tough couple of weeks and I'm blubbering on this blog about how miserable I am. Why am I such a wimp?

Saturday morning I woke up to a husband on his way to work. This is not a normal occurrence for our family. Despite Mark's long hours, his weekends usually remain untouched. This Saturday was the exception. I spent a better part of last week feeling very sorry for myself that Mark was having to work so much. I felt like I should be awarded with some sort of martyrdom since he was having to work on Saturday. It's true. I wouldn't have admitted it, but it's the reality. I was having a pity party (will I ever stop having those? Oh, yeah...in heaven).

Before Mark left for work, I puttered around a little bit, checking emails and blogs and facebook updates, getting all of my nonsense out of the way so I could focus on being a Mommy while he was gone. One of my very dearest friends has a blog. She and I grew up together and were each other's best friends for nearly 2 decades. Time and distance have changed the dynamics of our friendship, but she will always be one of my very best friends. She and her husband, after many years of dreaming, decided to make a move and make their dreams a reality, moving to the mountains, off the grid, to a cabin on many acres. Their surrounding are beautiful yet difficult. They are character building. There is not much easy about the lifestyle that they have chosen and yet very much that is glorious. They live in an area of the country that allows them to see the magnificence of God's creation as untouched as is possible in 2009. My sweet, tree-hugging, granola-munching friend and her family are living the life they dreamed.

On Saturday I read her blog and found that her husband had lost his job. She is resting in God's peace but the truth is, it will require nothing short of a miracle for her family to stay where they are. The Lord will have to provide Chris with a very specific job, in a very specific area, with a very specific rate of pay. The good news is that God is very, VERY capable of that (you reading this, Gina?). The bad news is that it will require a tremendous amount of faith and perseverance on their part to hope for such a miracle and provision. Oh, wait...maybe that's good news, too (but I'm sitting in the cheap seats).

Bottom line is that I was hit, smack-dab in the middle of my forehead with some more perspective on Saturday before Mark headed off to work. I woke up grumpy and angry yet after reading Gina's blog, I was thankful and prayerful. I don't want to minimize Gina and Chris' situation to a mere "attitude adjustment" for me. They have a rough road ahead of them. I will be praying. I know they would love it if you would, too. But I was reminded that all of this stuff is meaningless. If we base any of our emotions or attitudes on work, jobs, stuff, etc....there will be times that will bring us nothing but depression and frustration. Instead I can remember that I have eternal hope.

Tonight, at dinner with my parents, we were discussing my Grandma's health and prognosis. My mom said "I don't want to be morbid, but...."(I cut her off). There is nothing morbid for those who believe in the hope of our Savior Jesus Christ. Here's what I know about what's going to be true when I die: I will finally be thin. I will finally have no debt, not even student loans. I will finally have my own house. And that's just the superficial. Don't even get me started about seeing Jesus face-to-face.

God is real. Jesus is real. Heaven is real. The stuff on this earth can be wonderful. It can be thrilling and beautiful. It can be heartbreaking and terrifying. But it is all meaningless when compared to the glory and magnificence of our Father in Heaven.

Perspective. If only I could keep it every minute of every day. I'm trying. The Lord knows I'm trying.

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A Rough Patch

I've hit a snag in my resolve to live in victory during Mark's ugly January hours. Don't get me wrong. All in all, things are going very well and the month is crawling to a close. Unfortunately, we have reached the point where things are their ugliest (Mark is required to work all day on Saturday on top of all of his 16 hour days) and I'm running out of steam. Not a good combo.

On top of this, my beloved Grandma is in the hospital with double pneumonia for an indefinite amount of time and Mark's Dad has been in the hospital all week with viral and bacterial pneumonia. I won't lie to you....we are emotionally drained around here.

My kids are sick of not seeing their Daddy and so am I. Micah is reacting to it much like a dog reacts when being left alone for too long....by pooping in your shoe. While there has not been any literal doo in any literal shoe, he has dumped a bottle of nail polish on my carpet (right in front of me....by the time I realized what he had it was too late), smeared one of my favorite lipsticks all over his face, hands and arms and drawn a soul patch on his face with a pen I left on the end table (like a fool).

I'm aware of how whiny I sound and I apologize. The truth is, I'm venting a little on here in an attempt to avoid venting to my husband or taking it out on my children. I have hit the wall.

So now for the part of the post where I give myself a pep talk. I may be running out of steam, but the Holy Spirit has as much today as He did on January 1. I may feel like I'm going to fall over, but the fact that I haven't means that the Lord is propping me up with his Everlasting Arms. My kids may be driving me up a wall but I love them as much as I ever have, which is nothing short of a miracle in and of itself. We will survive the next week and a half and the Lord will be building endurance in me the entire time. As long as I let Him.

Father God, I need some supernatural help. I am not capable of one more minute of this by my own strength. I need Yours. Grant me agape for my children and my husband, grant me makrothumia (patience) with them as well. Grant me joy that I might not just exist during the next week and a half but live abundantly. Teach me new things and show me how much I am capable of with your help. Thank you, Lord that I do not have to do this alone. Amen.

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Obama

I am feeling so conflicted today as I type this. This is not a political blog. I had no intention of even mentioning President Obama here. Not because I don't care or have an opinion. I do. I just don't ususally talk about these kinds of things on this blog. I have been convicted over the last 24 hours of something that has turned this topic into a spiritual rather than political one for me.

Yesterday was historic. It was ground-breaking and a very important milestone for our country. To see someone of color become the leader of the free world after all that has occured in their history is wonderful. I feel nothing but joy for those who are finally experiencing a day they may have never expected to see as they were drinking from seperate water fountains and attending segregated schools. Some of them, no doubt, have not-too-distant family members who experienced far more heinous acts of racism than those. I respect their right and even their need to rejoice over the presidency of Barak Obama. I also understand the need of those who disaggreed with and were disappointed by the presidency of George W. Bush to celebrate the dawn of a new political age. All of these things make perfect sense to me and I join them in looking forward with anticipation to what these next 4 or 8 years will bring.

I have the unsettling feeling, however, that this has become something much more than a celebration. As I listened to the television and radio yesterday and read blogs and facebook posts focused on our new Commander-in-Chief, I got the feeling that there was much more than respect and admiration being sent the way of President Obama. I had the overwhelming impression that he was being.....worshipped.

I know that there is a fine line between looking up to someone and idolizing them, and I feel like when it comes to our new President, the line is being crossed. God is a jealous god and He will not share His glory. Barak Obama appears to be a very gifted man who has the potential to do a lot of good. But he can do nothing without the allowance of our Lord. He is a mere man and while it is appropriate to look to him to inspire hope, it is not appropriate to find our hope in him. The only true, unfailing source of hope is in El Olam, Everlasting God.

Barak Obama is MY president and I will respect him, respect his position and respect his authority to rule this nation. I will hope for the best for him, his family and this country. I will never forget, however, that any and all authority he has is bestowed upon him by El Elyon, the Lord Most High. I will pray for him, I will pray for his wife and his daughters and I will pray for our country. But I will know that all of these things are temporary and will eventually perish. To look to them for any source of security is foolishness.

Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;
wisdom and power are his.
He changes times and seasons;
he sets up kings and deposes them.
He gives wisdom to the wise
and knowledge to the discerning.
Daniel 2:20-21

Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.
Romans 13:1

So with that, I will leave you with a farewell to President Bush. I do not know what time will reveal his legacy to be. I believe that he is a good man, and I believe he is deserving of a much more dignified exit than some have allowed him to receive. So I will give him a little respect on my blog as we say goodbye to him and receive our new leader.

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Binoculars

Two of my favorite in-laws are Mark's Uncle Rick and Aunt Lois. I don't want to air too much dirty laundry here on this blog, but let's just say they are an acquired taste. The very reason I love them so much is the very reason some find them less than palatable. They speak their minds. They say it like it is. I find it refreshing. You never have to wonder what they are thinking or how they feel about you. In my 6 years of marriage to Mark I have been on the receiving end of some cranky remarks (beginning at my bridal shower), but I have also been on the receiving end of some wonderful compliments. Since they are not one's to hand out a compliment lightly, those positive remarks have meant a tremendous amount to me. For the two of them to sing my praises, I must have truly earned it.

This past Thanksgiving, Uncle Rick showed up with a set of binoculars for each of my boys. We don't usually exchange gifts with them, so this was a sweet gesture and completely out of the blue. My boys were immediately taken with the presents and have been walking around the house with them around their necks ever since.

Elijah has recently discovered that if you look through the binoculars the "wrong" way, everything looks smaller instead of bigger. Yesterday, he decided to look at me that way on several occasions and shout "Hey Mom! Look, you're getting smaller!" From your lips to God's ears, son. Just don't turn them around the other way. Mommy doesn't need anything making her look bigger.

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It's Friday!!

I don't know if I have ever been so grateful for a Friday in all of my life. I have always been a big fan of Fridays. The weekend is still completely ahead of us, untouched, yet so close that it can be tasted. Often, fun times are ahead or, at the very least, some R & R. This Friday has been a long time coming. It started feeling like Thursday to me on Monday. I had one of those weeks that felt like it was never going to end. Not because the week was particularly bad (on the contrary). It has simply been long. (The fact that Mark has squeezed the hours of 2 work weeks into one probably has something to do with it, also.)

So it is Friday morning, the sun is shining, some girlfriends are coming over tonight for a 'Girls' Night In' movie night, and I have some other fun planned for the weekend. God answered some very personal prayers for me last night in glorious, miraculous fashion and I am overflowing with the Joy of the Lord as I type this! I hope you all have the kind of weekend that recharges the batteries and refreshes your soul! TGIF, everyone!

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He is Faithful

January is right up there on my list of least favorite months. The only reason I give it any positive points at all is because at least 3 of my favorite people on earth were born in January. Otherwise, I would have a hard time thinking of a redeeming quality.

Mark is a corporate accountant. His busy time of year is now, in January, as opposed to tax time, as a lot of people assume it would be when hearing he is an accountant. He is not a tax accountant and his busy time of year is year-end. In other words....now. Mark's job always requires late nights from him to some degree. He works late at least one night a week and often, it's more. There are several reasons for this, and all of them are too boring to share with you. Yes, a new job might be nice, but there is no guaranteeing that and in this economy we are just choosing to be thankful that he has a job and that he has seniority there. Also, despite the long hours, he likes his job and he likes his co-workers. So for now, he will stay where he is. Despite the fact that he has been working 16-hour days for the last week and a half.

There was a time when I would make Mark feel so terrible for all of the hours he had to put in. I knew it wasn't his fault, but I was frustrated and had to take it out on someone. He was that someone. Looking back, I'm embarrassed that that was ever true. I know that he was tired and frustrated, too, and I should have been a soft place for him to fall. Instead, I was nothing more than an addition to his stress. One of the most tangible areas I can see that the Lord has worked in my heart is in this particular scenario. I no longer take out my anger on Mark, and in fact, I feel very little anger about his situation at all. Don't get me wrong....I still think the long hours are ridiculous, but now I turn to the Lord to give me the patience and peace I need for the situation. As always, He has been very faithful.

One of the ways he has been most faithful is He has given me tremendous joy in the ministry I participate in at church. While a large portion of each day is spent doing laundry, making beds, playing with toddlers and microwaving chicken nuggets, I know that the Lord is using me beyond the walls of my apartment and that helps the apartment feel less suffocating on the long days. He has also blessed me with fantastic girlfriends. Every Tuesday, while Elijah is at preschool, I meet 2 (now three, as of yesterday!!) girlfriends and their kids at a local play park. Those women have no idea what a ministry that is to my sanity. To be able to meet with my girls and laugh about everything from tattoos (Katie...are we doing it?) to how our new Bible study is touching our hearts is such a recharge to my batteries. Of course there is always Thursday. You all have heard me go on and on about my Thursday morning study and nothing has changed. It is still my favorite 2 hours of the work week and I love it. Knowing I get to see all of my ladies and discuss God's Word with them tomorrow will help get me through today.

And of course my kiddos. Despite the fact that they are turning my hair gray at an amazingly rapid rate, they do bring me joy. They are sweet, funny and adorable. I don't want this post to imply that I don't love spending time with my kids. I do. It's just that when Mark works these kinds of hours (leaving at 5 in the morning and not home until 10 or 11 at night), it's easy for my kids and I to get on each other's nerves. I'm thankful that the Lord knows that and gives me chances for us to get little breaks from each other.

So while I'm going through a few tough weeks, I know that God is both equipping me and providing for me. I won't lie to you, though. I wouldn't mind a prayer or two tossed my way if you think of it!

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So Long Self

I'm not really a fan of New Year's Resolutions. When someone puts "Get in Shape" on their resolution list for the 7th year in a row, do they really believe this is going to be the year it actually happens? Deep down inside, I doubt it. Which is probably why most New Year's Resolutions have gone kaput by now....12 days in.

So this year I made only one resolution. That doesn't mean I'm not hoping to make some changes. I am. I have more weight to lose and more debt to payoff. I have some organizational tools I want to implement and some spiritual habits and attitudes I want to refine. It's an imposing list. One that I am completely incapable of. So my one and only New Year's Resolution is to die to self more completely every day.

Dying to self is one of those Christian principles that can seem strange to those who don't know Jesus. After all, the world teaches us that if we are truly living a successful life, we are being "true to ourselves" and "doing what makes us happy". My problem is that when I am true to myself and doing what makes me happy, I'm spending money at Sephora like I've won the lottery and finishing that up with a 3-course meal at "The Cheesecake Factory". Not a recipe for success.

So while dying to self may sound harsh and unappealing to some, I see it as an opportunity for freedom. God knows my short-comings. He knows how much I love to spend money, be lazy and eat fattening foods. He knows how prideful and selfish I can be. He also knows that I am capable of so much better than that. If I will let Him take control. He wants me to live in victory over these things, but He knows I can't do it on my own. So He tells me to let Him have the reigns and He will lead me to success. That is dying to self. Letting go of all of the self-centered attitudes I have and holding on to Him.

A couple of weeks ago I discovered a show on Gospel Music Television while scanning the channels one night. It's called "Faith and Fame" and it's essentially a "Behind the Music" for the Christian Music Scene. I watched an episode about MercyMe and was reminded of a song of theirs I hadn't listened to in awhile. It's called "So Long Self" and I have decided to adopt it as my theme song for 2009. The Chorus goes like this:

So long self Well it's been fun, but I have found somebody else
So long self There's just no room for two
So you are gonna have to move
So long self Don't take this wrong but you are wrong for me farewell
Oh well, Goodbye, don't cry
So Long Self

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 (NLT)

Part of dying to self for me is also putting away the list of things I want to accomplish and being obedient to God's priorities. While I have many things I would love to change about myself overnight, God knows which ones are most important and most necessary for me if I'm going to be the servant He envisions I can be. So while I would like to be making all of the changes right now, He has called me to focus on just a couple of them. Which is requiring me to be patient. Which is another thing I need to work on......

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New Signature

New signature to go with my new look.

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FYI

I am fiddling with my template again. I ran into a little bit of a technical error, but my kids need me so I'm leaving the blog half-done for now. I'll finish it later. Just in case you were wondering why it looks so strange.

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I'm back!

I've decided the time has come for me to finally tear myself away from facebook long enough to post something on my blog. Not that anyone will notice, because I'm certain you've all stopped checking to see if I've written anything new. Because I haven't lately. I've been too busy posting on people's "walls" and responding to "friend requests". Facebook is like crack. I swear I haven't been so addicted to something intended for teenagers since I read the "Twilight" books (and honestly, as much as I am enjoying facebook, it has nothing on Edward Cullen).

Life is slowly getting to normal around our home. The snow is gone, the holidays are over and all of the decorations are put away. I've spent the last week doing some serious organizing. I received a label maker for Christmas and it has already been getting some serious use. I also made a trip to The Container Store (heavenly), which caused a serious overhaul of my desk when I got home. I also received a red, enameled cast iron dutch oven for Christmas (which I adore and have used almost every day since) and it has inspired me to redecorate my kitchen. Since I adore red and my kitchen has looked the same since we moved here (over 6 years ago), I decided to do a mini-makeover. I had very little money to spend, so I just wanted to add some red "pops" throughout the kitchen. What I didn't realize is that I would be able to do this for next to nothing. You see, when I hit the stores, every red item in their inventory is on clearance because Christmas is over! There were red candles, red baskets, red towels, red flowers, red accessories galore. All at 80% off. And before you think my kitchen now looks like it's been decorated for Christmas, let me assure you....that is not the case. Every item I bought was only considered "Christmas" because it was red. Yes, if I paired some of them with an evergreen bough, they would look decidedly festive, but on their own, they simply look red. I will post some pictures when it's all done, but first I have to make my own version of some wall art I saw at Crate and Barrel this weekend. I'm very pleased with my thriftiness. When all is said and done, I will have done a mini-kitchen makeover for less than $50. I think I should have some sort of show on HGTV. I think I'll call it "Clearance Creativity".

So my kids have grown restless in the next room, which means Mommy's computer time is done. I promise to be back at my blog more frequently. I've missed it.

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