This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves
to be my disciples. John 15:8

I just bit my husband's head off.

>> Thursday, February 5, 2009

I have been trying so hard to be victorious through this whole season we're going through. God has been faithful. He has prompted friends to send emails and make phone calls at times that I really needed encouragement. He has been faithful to prompt me to pray instead of freak out when things have seemed more than I could bear. He has been good. I want to make sure and preface this post with that so you all know this wasn't Him. I just blew it.

This morning was Mark's first day back to work. It was a tough pill for me to swallow because my kids and I are all still sick as dogs. My head is so full of congestion that I can barely keep it upright, let alone use it to think with. And yet today my kids are going to be relying on me to play with them, cook for them, clean up after them and take care of them. This is very hard to do when you feel like your head is going to roll off of your shoulders if you try to get off the couch. Just sayin'.

So this morning I have been indulging my self-pity a little too much. I did not get to go to my Bible study, and you all know how that recharges my batteries. So every time one of my kids has whined to me about some toy the other has "stolen" from them, I have looked at the clock wished I was with my ladies, being blessed by some awesome teaching from the book of Esther. And feeling sorry for myself that I am not. I have not seen my family in nearly 2 weeks because they have been on the road and in Los Angeles, tending to my Grandmother's memorial and her affairs. For some people 2 weeks without their family is probably not a big deal. I rarely go 2 days without seeing my mom, my dad, my aunt or my brother and sister-in-law.

I have had to take advantage of every moment Mark's been home to sleep and try and knock this bug out of me, so I feel like I haven't seen him lately either. I feel terrible that he has needed me to be healthy right now and I'm just not. Fortunately, he has the same hope in the Lord that I have, so he is not feeling despondent over his father's passing. Much like I was with my Grandma, he needed a good "ugly cry" and a day or two to get used to the idea, but he's really feeling at peace with it all now.

I guess that's why I thought it was OK to chew him out when he called me this morning from work to tell me that he was not coming straight home after work but to his brother's house instead so he could help pick out bible verses for the service on Monday. I lost it. The only thing holding me together today was counting the minutes until he was home to help me with the kiddos. Now he won't be home until after they are in bed. All so he can help pick out verses. Verses that could be discussed over the phone or via email, right? Nope. They want to do this together. Before you think I'm being totally unsympathetic, let me tell you that he has spent the better part of the last three days with them or on the phone with them. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you it took them an entire day and several more phone calls the next day to choose between 2 different caskets. This was time that could have been spent choosing verses.

OK....ranting done.

The truth is, I am his wife. I need to give him and his family grace during this time and I could not even give him kindness this morning when he called. I immediately called him back and apologized and he is such a great guy that he forgave me and completely understood that I'm just losing my mind a little bit from all that's been happening. That's not a good excuse, but it's the reason. So I guess I'm still living in victory after all. Despite the fact that I had a lapse in joy this morning, God immediately convicted me and gave me the courage to ask for forgiveness. He blessed my husband with compassion for his wife, who is going crazy. And despite the fact that I behaved badly this morning, my husband knows I love him, I know he loves me, and God is still very, very good.

But I will be really glad when life starts looking at least a little bit normal again.


Rachel - Heart Assessment February 5, 2009 at 7:59 PM  

I can so relate to this post and your heart. I just love that God consistently forgive us and meets us right where we are. I am the same way about my Bible Study ladies. I NEED that time with them every week. I hear that Esther study with Beth Moore is really good. I'm doing a Kay Arthur one this semester and I've missed two weeks. I'll be praying for you. We have NOTHING to offer these children of ours without Christ! I keep telling my girls that I NEED to go read my bible. I just get to feeling so empty! Hang in there, friend!

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