This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves
to be my disciples. John 15:8

Finally Secure

>> Saturday, October 18, 2008

I wasted a lot of years of my life living with crippling insecurity. It would be a lie for me to say that I have been cured of it, but I can honestly say that God is good and I overcome it more than I succumb to it now. Looking back, I can see so many times that I crumbled emotionally over something so silly, so harmless that someone may have said. Because I was so sure that I was unworthy of any love or affection, I assumed that no one would give me any. I would always jump to the conclusion that people's intentions were negative. Not necessarily because they had treated me that way. It was my own, inner dialogue (capitalized on by our Enemy), convincing me that there was no way someone actually felt positively about me.

Of course I had friends, and yes, my family loved me, but I never felt secure. I had spent so many years disliking myself that I was utterly convinced that no one else could really like me, either. Even if they acted like they did, I was certain that one day they would they would realize how unworthy I was of their time and attention and they would find someone better to befriend. This, of course, became a self-fulfilling prophecy because at times I could be clingy, desperate for the security I needed. Other times I could be mean, wanting to push them away before they could hurt me. I have no doubt that there are people reading this blog who have known me for years that are surprised by what they are reading. I'm sure some people saw through my facade, but for a lot of people, they probably saw the tough wall I had built around myself for protection and mistook it for self-confidence. Or conceit. Or arrogance. It was never any of those things.

There is a point to this post beyond my overwhelming you with my deepest, darkest feelings. I know what I just wrote was a little bit deep maybe a little bit TMI. I felt it was important to share, though, because I think a lot of us have felt or do still feel that way, to some degree. Insecurity is one of Satan's most effective tools. He can absolutely destroy us and our relationships by reminding us of how unworthy of love we feel. He will remind us over and over again of our least positive qualities, until they become distorted and gigantic in our minds. We can no longer see any of the positives because they are drowned out by our negatives.

He is a liar.

Jesus loves me. He is captivated by my beauty. He finds me breath-taking. He has pursued me and would rather die (and He did) than live without me. For me to believe a single word out of Satan's mouth over the actions of my Savior is blasphemy. I am loved so much that the God of the Universe became a man, lived a blameless life, endured the cross and defeated death so that I could be reunited with Him. For me to live in self-loathing is insulting to Him. He feels the same way about you.

Do you realize that every time you think negatively about yourself or tell yourself how stupid, lame, ugly, useless, etc you are, Jesus is saying "Hey...that's my Bride you're talking about!"

I was mostly inspired to write this post for someone who I love very much that struggles with feeling unworthy all of the time. She can put up a tough exterior, but one unkind word from her mother, her brother or her husband can knock her off her feet and bring her to tears. She never really feels worthy of love, so she assumes they don't really love her. But they do. And so do I. More than that, Jesus loves her. So very, very much.

There is no one on this earth who is capable of loving you the way your Savior does. Stop looking for it anywhere else. Let Him satisfy you with His love. That way the love of others is just the icing on the cake.

Psalm 90:14

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,

that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

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2 comments:

Anonymous,  October 19, 2008 at 6:45 PM  

Yes,shocked. Rejoicing for the truth you have found.

GLO

Rachel - Heart Assessment November 5, 2008 at 4:57 PM  

Have you read "Lies Women Believe" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss
This post made me think about it :)
missed you
R <><

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