The best laid plans....

Pride is the sin that I struggle with the most. When someone has paid me a compliment, I find myself replaying the conversation over and over again in my head afterwards. When I have had the occasion to share my faith with someone and see the fruit of that, I hear myself telling other people about it far too often. When I am overwhelmed by all that I "have to do", I'm secretly proud of myself for being such a "joiner" and a "do-er". While none of these things seems bad at the surface, the reality of them is like a cancer. I start looking for and expecting compliments when I do things. I start feeling superior to those who aren't as "generous" with their time (when maybe they are the one's whose priorities are more correct). I start taking glory for things that I said I was doing in the name of God.

The worst part of it is, I start believing that my self worth comes from those things, instead of from the One who created me. I start feeling "less than" when too much time has gone by between compliments or full calendars. I begin to believe that what makes me worthy of anything is the "stuff" that I do instead of the Savior that died for me. This eats away at my ability to reach out to people and love them the way Christ would have me love them. Since I am seeking my security externally, I am unable to care for and give to someone unless I am getting something from them in return.

This is a foothold in my heart that Satan is fully aware of and fully exploits. Please understand....I am not saying that "the devil made me do" anything, but to deny that he seeks to destroy us and any influence we have on the world for Jesus is to way underestimate him. I know that he likes to whisper in my ear "Kimberly, you are Suzy-Spiritual-on-a-Stick! Look at the list of things you have volunteered to do at the church! They should give you some sort of award!" And I start to believe him. It's ugly, and I'm ashamed of it.

So last week when I announced to the entire blogosphere my list of to-do's, like you needed to know about any of them....I was feeding my pride. Sure, I could rationalize it by telling myself that you needed to know why I wouldn't be blogging for awhile, but that would be a lie. I could have just said I was taking a break, or that I was busy. You didn't need to see my list. But I showed it to you.

Well, guess what? I got so sick I could hardly do any of it. I didn't make it to the final meetings before VBS, I had to cancel on my Sunday School class at the last minute (fortunately, I was able to reach my youth pastor at church and he bailed me out!), because I was just sure I would be better in time, and the bulletin board....it got done....but not by me. God reminded me that all of the things I had volunteered to do could be done by someone else. While He appreciates and wants my service, He doesn't need it. Especially if all I'm going to do with it is point to myself.

So I am hoping to continue to serve in all the ways I have been except one. I want to serve and be a servant. I no longer want to serve so that I can be served. This is my prayer.

Proverbs 16:17-19 (New Living Translation)
17 The path of the virtuous leads away from evil; whoever follows that path is safe.
18 Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall.
19 Better to live humbly with the poor than to share plunder with the proud