This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves
to be my disciples. John 15:8

I'm nervous, so I rambled a post.

>> Sunday, February 8, 2009

Tomorrow is going to be one of the toughest days of my life. Mostly because I just plain old don't know how to do what it is that I need to do tomorrow. At 10:00 tomorrow morning I will be attending the funeral of my husband's father and my children's grandfather. This is an old fashioned funeral, the kind that requires you wear dark colors. I am not used to this kind of mourning. I am used to the kind of mourning that may be melancholy and bittersweet, but that is ultimately hopeful and peaceful. The Bible certainly supports a time for mourning and Jesus certainly wept bitterly when Lazarus died (despite the fact that he knew it was only a temporary situation). So I don't ever want to diminish any one's need to weep over the loss of a loved one. But the Bible says we are also not to grieve as those who have no hope. And the funeral I'm going to be attending tomorrow is not one that will be focusing on the hope. I know the person performing the service and to be sure, he is a godly man. The problem is that the room will be filled with people who see death as a finality. And I don't. Despite the fact the my father-in-law spent the last several years of his life unable to attend church services, he still received monthly communion in his home from his pastor. I believe he is in heaven. I do not want to wear black and a frown all day tomorrow. I do not know how to grieve hopelessly. Nor do I want to. But I certainly do not want to be disrespectful to those who are not in the same frame of mind that I am in. So do I say nothing? Do I smile and nod? Do I act as though I can commiserate with them? Do I try and be uplifting? I don't know. I honestly have no idea how to do what I am facing tomorrow.

This is uncharted territory for me. It is also uncharted territory for my husband. I want to be the wife he needs me to be. I want to be the daughter-in-law I'm needed to be. I want to be the sister-in-law and the aunt I need to be tomorrow. But I have no idea what that is. I wish I had a nice way to wrap this post up. I don't. I'm rambling. I'm asking for prayer. I'm just getting this off my chest. I'm nervous. So I'm rambling. Prayer. I need prayer. I need to pray. Pray that every word that comes off of my tongue tomorrow will be of the Holy Spirit. Pray that my frustrations and prejudices would remain utterly silent. Pray that I would somehow be able to share Jesus' love, even if it is only through a smile or a hug. Pray that the Peace of God, which passes all understanding would be abundant for all who ask for it tomorrow. Pray. I'm going to go and pray.


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