My Sweet Boy

"Are you kidding me?!"

Those were the first words I said after seeing the results of my pregnancy test, a mere 10 months after giving birth to Elijah. I had no intention of having another child so soon. We had, in fact, been trying NOT to. (God is truly the opener and closer of the womb. Don't kid yourselves, ladies.) In the short time since we were blessed with our first son, Mark and I had turned our lives upside-down. I had quit a job, Mark had lost a job and started a new job. We had sold a car and were driving around in our tiny little Tercel, because it was paid for. We had finally streamlined the bills to a place that we thought maybe we could take a breath. That was not meant to be. We were going to have another baby.

It didn't take long to come to terms with another pregnancy. I just happily lived in a land of delusion where I would get to have my little girl. This seemed to make it all the more tolerable. To be able to buy pink and have bows and dolls and frills around the house made the pregnancy all worth while, in my mind. But alas, that was not meant to be, either. We were going to have another little boy.

That was OK, too, though, because everyone told me how since they were so close in age and both boys they would be "buds"....the best of friends. Not to mention the money I would save on clothes. This was going to be OK. We were going to have a baby, he was going to be a boy, and his name would be Micah David.

On September 11, 2006, we dropped Elijah off at my parents house and drove to the hospital for my second C-section. It was different this time. Elijah was born in early March, so when we drove in for his delivery it was dark outside. This time it was sunny. It didn't seem right. But when we got there, everything was the same as last time. A couple hours in triage, fretting about my spinal, a long, surreal walk down the hall to the operating room, an uncomfortable spinal as I gripped the hand of my OB, and a surgery that was over in flash. He was here.

Part of the reason that I didn't think I could have another baby so soon was because I couldn't imagine being able to love him as much as I loved Elijah. There just couldn't possibly be room in my heart for so much love. And pain. The love I experienced as a parent was the most exhilarating, excruciating emotion I had ever known. The extraordinary blessing of this sweet, precious soul, yet the absolute terror of ever having to be apart from him, or ever doing anything to harm him, was almost too much to bear sometimes. And now I would have two. Surely my heart would burst from all that it would be trying to contain.

And you know what? It did.

It burst and overflowed into every area of my life. Loving more deeply became my norm instead of my exception. I could view those around me not only for the people that they were, but I could see more clearly that they, too, were some one's son or daughter, and someone out there loved them with the same intensity I loved my children. How dare I treat them so poorly...they were some body's baby. Most importantly that love overflowed and filled up my view of God. I could finally begin to understand the love He has for us. The exhilarating, excruciating emotion that He has to bear, knowing that there are some of us that He will be eternally separated from, despite His efforts to reach us all. And the exhilarating, excruciating pain He had for His Son, the day He allowed Him to be nailed to a cross.

Thank you, Micah, for coming into my heart and causing it to burst. I will always be thankful to God that He wasn't kidding.

Happy First Birthday, My Sweet Boy!