Insomnia

Because we have been warming up to the idea of looking for a house (an idea made even warmer by our impending lease expiration), my husband has been doing a lot of searching for properties online. In general, I don't want to join, because until I have met with a realtor and know what I can afford, looking at properties is just frustrating and depressing for me. Not only that, I fully believe that God is going to have to provide us with some sort of miracle house in order for us to afford something that will fit all of us. I didn't really believe that an online property search was going to be God's vehicle of delivery. I hope that I am wrong.

Last Thursday, Mark came home from work with a property to show me online. It was the first home that I had seen that was "in our price range" (we will see) and wasn't a condo, townhome, duplex or way out in the boonies. It is way more house than I ever dreamed we could afford. Taking our virtual tour through the property, we were shown lots of reasons why the house isn't more highly priced: mirrored walls in the living room, unkempt garden boxes in the backyard, lots of paneling and the best....an ugly mural straight out of 1978 (I know, I know...retro is cool. Not this kind of retro) in one of the bedrooms. None of this bothered me at all. A little elbow grease and several coats of paint, and it is my dream home! This was the first time I became excited about looking for a house. Not because I want that one (although I wouldn't mind), but because I started to feel hopeful that God is going to let this happen.

Unfortunately, this process has started to go to my head. They say that buying a home is one of the top 5 stresses you can go through. Right up there with losing a loved one. While I always believed this statistic, I didn't know it would be so true. I have not even met with a realtor yet (our appointment is for Saturday), and I am finding it hard to sleep at night. In my mind I am alternately decorating my new home, balancing our new budget or reeling with disappointment because I am certain it will never happen. Do you see now why I need prayer to be content? I am not proud of the fact that I am responding this way....it just seems to be happening to me. Not during the day. During the day I am prayerful and I nip the thoughts in the bud as they creep up on me. This is all taking place at 1 or 2 in the morning when I'm sleepy but can't find rest. Several nights in a row, now, I have gotten a mere 4 or 5 hours sleep due to this. That is not nearly adequate sleep to take care of a baby and a toddler.

So I struggle. How much excitement is appropriate and how much is destructive? How much realism is being practical and how much of it is a lack of faith in our God? I'm hopeful that once I meet with our realtor, and several of my questions are answered, I will be able to move forward with a little less turmoil. But Saturday is still 2 days (and 2 long nights) away. If I don't get some sleep.....my kids are going to be able to take over. So if you don't mind...say a prayer for me. Clearly I need it.